Jokez

[makedonas]

Το.. δέντρο τι απέγινε?

:twisted:

 

[lgav1966]

new one
Μια ηλικιωμένη γυναίκα πηγαίνει στο φαρμακείο και ζητάει από τον φαρμακοποιό να αγοράσει δηλητήριο και συγκεκριμένα αρσενικό.
- "Κυρία, τι το θέλετε το αρσενικό...;;;" ρώτησε ο φαρμακοποιός.
- "Να σκοτώσω τον άνδρα μου." απάντησε αποφασιστικά η ηλικιωμένη γυναίκα.
- "Δεν μπορώ να σας πουλήσω αρσενικό για να σκοτώσετε έναν άνθρωπο," απαντά έκπληκτος ο φαρμακοποιός.
Τότε η κυρία βγάζει από την τσάντα της μια φωτογραφία όπου ο άνδρας της βρισκόταν σε μια στάση του κάμα σούτρα με την γυναίκα του φαρμακοποιού.
Ο φαρμακοποιός παίρνει την φωτογραφία στα χέρια του, την κοιτά και απαντά...
- "Δεν είχα καταλάβει ότι έχετε και συνταγή”!!!
ty boys

 

[lgav1966]

Μια μέρα ο Τζ. Μπους πάει στο γιατρό για κάποιες εξετάσεις. Ο Γιατρός λοιπόν του λέει:

- Mr Bush, as you know, the human brain consists of two brains; a left one and a right one. The problem is than on your left brain there's nothing right, and on your right one there's nothing left!!

 

[GP707]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time -- weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day a man came in wearing glasses and a suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
"I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I'm the CEO of OLYMPIC AIRLINES."

 

[GP707]

Μια μέρα ο Τζ. Μπους πάει στο γιατρό για κάποιες εξετάσεις. Ο Γιατρός λοιπόν του λέει:

- Mr Bush, as you know, the human brain consists of two brains; a left one and a right one. The problem is than on your left brain there's nothing right, and on your right one there's nothing left!!

Και για επιβεβαιωση του παραπανω ανεκδοτου, μπορειτε να κανετε το παρακατω τεστ το οποιο ειναι απολυτως αληθινο!
Στο http://www.google.com γραψτε τη λεξη failure και μετα πατηστε το κουμπι "αισθανομαι τυχερος" ή "feeling lucky"(στο αγγλικο) το οποιο σημαινει οτι θα βγαλει το site που εχει τη μεγαλυτερη σχεση με τη λεξη που βαλατε σε ολο το παγκοσμιο διαδικτυο.
Δειτε τι θα σας βγαλει!!! :shock:

 

[makedonas]

Ορίστε και ένα cartoon, έτσι για αλλαγή..

 

[Volker]

Ένα γερμανικό ανέκδοτο...

Συναντιούνται δύο κυνηγοί στο δάσος. Λέει ο ένας: „Ο σκύλος σου μπορεί πολύ καλά να φέρει κοντά το θήραμα! Του το έμαθες εσύ;“ Λέει ο άλλος: „Όχι, είναι ένα αυτοδιντάξχουντ!“

 

[GP707]

Για τους αγγλομαθεις!

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing when a flight attendant announced, "People!! People!! We're not picking out furniture here - find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this air plane!"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "WHOA, BIG FELLA!! WHOA!!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as HELL everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa... To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault - it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared, and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing, and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight # 293 - nonstop from New York to Los Angeles! . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!!"

 

[makedonas]

Heard while flying in Holland.
Tower talking to a female helicopter pilot.
Tower: "What's your altitude?"
Pilot: "1000 feet"
Tower: "What's your heading?"
Pilot: "175"
Tower: "What's your speed?"
Pilot: "150 knots"
Tower: "What's your bra size?"
Pilot: "36B........AAAHHHHH SHHIIIITTTTT"

 

[makedonas]

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock,6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

********************************************************

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

********************************************************

On a very quiet night:
Pilot: "Fark I'm bored"
Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self"
Pilot: "I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid"

********************************************************

I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time."
ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN."

********************************************************

ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.

********************************************************

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

********************************************************

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o'clock,3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight." (Τώρα ξέρετε γιατί τα λέω fuckerakia!! )

********************************************************

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa (In German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

****************************************

Royalty

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!" <---

****************************************

Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?
A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?